I met a girl several years ago through work. I vividly remember the first time I met her at the HB118 conference room. I heard her spoke and knew she's from Taiwan, I reckoned she speaks a little awkwardly cause the accent was a mix of China and Taiwan, which perhaps was a effort to blend in the business environment. She was dark, pretty, with a deep voice and an Asian American vibe.
I didn't give her much thought and assumed I'll never see her again, until my boss mentioned that I should meet up with her, since she's also from Taiwan and perhaps we have some opportunity to work together.
We met at the Sculpting in Time Coffee near the Worker Stadium. I don't really remember the details, just that we learned that we're from the same city and went to the same high school, she's two years (or three?) younger than I am. I also felt she's a bit tomboyish cause she held the door when I left.....
She went back to the States, we texted each other for a while and moved on with our lives.
This would become the pattern of our relationship.
The third time we met, was at the Swiss Hotel. I remember her sitting at the lobby.
The fourth time we met, was with my two colleagues in a hip restaurant, when we just came back from Hangzhou.
The fifth time we met was at a bar in Oakland.
(in 2015 I send her a list of song for her birthday.)
The last time we met was last month in 798 art park.
It's been two years. Still cool, funny, sunny and shinny. She shoot things with her phone often, the fake leaves on the building, graffitis, art work, us...and commented on how cheap everything is. We talk about her passion for sustainable lifestyle, her outdoor projects, a little of her family, her upbringing....we had Japanese for lunch and she went off to her deeds.
During those years I had someone and lost someone, I fell for someone and fell out of someone. Those feelings kept coming and going. I still can't pin point when the feeling begin to crystalize. When it begin to manifest. We would meet once or twice and off to our lives. All I know is I misses her when she's gone, but recovers after a while. I would move forward a little where she take a step backwards, which I would stop moving forward then we would reset.
It was a equilibrium I can handle.
I'm not sure what changed this time, maybe it's the pass away of my cousin, whom I always see during the holidays made me realized that life can be short and death can be near. I finally told her how I feel. We texted a little then the Chinese moon day came. I did something maybe a little more major step forward, then comes the long silence from other side.
--
I've miss you so, but in the same time I believe it'll all pass away and we'll get back to square one, like we always do, square one.
What do you feel about me? Your message may be loud and clear but I would still prefer you to say it to me "Sorry I just don't feel the same way.".
Sometimes I also wonder, if it just that people love in different ways, maybe being non responsive is just a personal trait, maybe it's not me, maybe she have feelings for me too, maybe she loves me but there are reasons she can't be with me, or maybe (very likely?) she just doesn't feel the same way. Maybe she forgot about me and moved on with her life already, maybe she's already with someone, maybe she's too career oriented.
These thoughts, logic, and reasons keep twirling, circling and running in my mind.
The best thing about living is hope, but hope can also be the worst.
Perhaps our feelings for each other is irrelevant.
I stuck with my principle of being non needy which I still abide today. I believe that if she feels the same way, the process should be effortless. It's a two way street, and can't be forced.
This is the reason I'm writing this, to let it out, the digest, to reboot.
--
Maybe I'm just imagining things, maybe I'm too emotionally invested, maybe this isn't healthy, maybe I'm naive, maybe I just want to feel.
But I won't regret trying, and I am grateful of someone who can make me feel again, the anxiety, the obsession, the negativities. Of course, there's also the positivities, laughing, excitement, devotions, unconditional love.
--
She is my obsession, my desire, I stalk her on the internet just to feel closer to her.
She's also someone I feel that I can love unconditionally and made my heart full of gratefulness of existing of.
However much I don't want to let her go, it's time to close the chapter. For now.
I'm still the lone wolf, who can't commit, who believe she's never good enough for anyone, who's emotionally detached, who hurt the person she loves the most.
But this is for you. My love, my desire, my drug, my chemical, my craving, my demon, my angel, my weakness, my hope, my sun, my star, my Muse.
I didn't give her much thought and assumed I'll never see her again, until my boss mentioned that I should meet up with her, since she's also from Taiwan and perhaps we have some opportunity to work together.
We met at the Sculpting in Time Coffee near the Worker Stadium. I don't really remember the details, just that we learned that we're from the same city and went to the same high school, she's two years (or three?) younger than I am. I also felt she's a bit tomboyish cause she held the door when I left.....
She went back to the States, we texted each other for a while and moved on with our lives.
This would become the pattern of our relationship.
The third time we met, was at the Swiss Hotel. I remember her sitting at the lobby.
The fourth time we met, was with my two colleagues in a hip restaurant, when we just came back from Hangzhou.
The fifth time we met was at a bar in Oakland.
(in 2015 I send her a list of song for her birthday.)
The last time we met was last month in 798 art park.
It's been two years. Still cool, funny, sunny and shinny. She shoot things with her phone often, the fake leaves on the building, graffitis, art work, us...and commented on how cheap everything is. We talk about her passion for sustainable lifestyle, her outdoor projects, a little of her family, her upbringing....we had Japanese for lunch and she went off to her deeds.
During those years I had someone and lost someone, I fell for someone and fell out of someone. Those feelings kept coming and going. I still can't pin point when the feeling begin to crystalize. When it begin to manifest. We would meet once or twice and off to our lives. All I know is I misses her when she's gone, but recovers after a while. I would move forward a little where she take a step backwards, which I would stop moving forward then we would reset.
It was a equilibrium I can handle.
I'm not sure what changed this time, maybe it's the pass away of my cousin, whom I always see during the holidays made me realized that life can be short and death can be near. I finally told her how I feel. We texted a little then the Chinese moon day came. I did something maybe a little more major step forward, then comes the long silence from other side.
--
I've miss you so, but in the same time I believe it'll all pass away and we'll get back to square one, like we always do, square one.
What do you feel about me? Your message may be loud and clear but I would still prefer you to say it to me "Sorry I just don't feel the same way.".
Sometimes I also wonder, if it just that people love in different ways, maybe being non responsive is just a personal trait, maybe it's not me, maybe she have feelings for me too, maybe she loves me but there are reasons she can't be with me, or maybe (very likely?) she just doesn't feel the same way. Maybe she forgot about me and moved on with her life already, maybe she's already with someone, maybe she's too career oriented.
These thoughts, logic, and reasons keep twirling, circling and running in my mind.
The best thing about living is hope, but hope can also be the worst.
Perhaps our feelings for each other is irrelevant.
I stuck with my principle of being non needy which I still abide today. I believe that if she feels the same way, the process should be effortless. It's a two way street, and can't be forced.
This is the reason I'm writing this, to let it out, the digest, to reboot.
--
Maybe I'm just imagining things, maybe I'm too emotionally invested, maybe this isn't healthy, maybe I'm naive, maybe I just want to feel.
But I won't regret trying, and I am grateful of someone who can make me feel again, the anxiety, the obsession, the negativities. Of course, there's also the positivities, laughing, excitement, devotions, unconditional love.
--
She is my obsession, my desire, I stalk her on the internet just to feel closer to her.
She's also someone I feel that I can love unconditionally and made my heart full of gratefulness of existing of.
However much I don't want to let her go, it's time to close the chapter. For now.
I'm still the lone wolf, who can't commit, who believe she's never good enough for anyone, who's emotionally detached, who hurt the person she loves the most.
But this is for you. My love, my desire, my drug, my chemical, my craving, my demon, my angel, my weakness, my hope, my sun, my star, my Muse.
